Spiritual Opportunities in Illness

[Ben Ross]

It seems to me that one of the most difficult aspects of the experience of chronic illness - mostly pain, fatigue, and cognitive fogginess in my case - is not the sensations of illness themselves but the identity crisis that comes about from the challenge posed to the sense of self. Within Buddhism, I have noticed a number of perpectives on the spiritual opportunities present in illness:

- As a chance to realize the truth of impermanance
- As an opportunity for widening one's circle of compassion and experiencing something of the limitations and losses so many experience (or that is integral to all life)
- As a teaching in the lack of control we exercise over so much of our circumstances, a doorway to surrender
- Along these lines, as a chance to see the non-self nature of all physical experience and open to a vision of voidness (which, I have to confess, mystifies me)

A couple of quotes from The Holy Teaching of Vimilakirti that relate to this strike me.

The first quote arises form Manjusri's question to Vimilakirti:

"Householder, how should a bodhisattva console another bodhisattva who is sick?"

to which Vimalakirti responds:

"...He should encourage his remembrance for all living beings on account of his own sickness, his remembrance of suffering experienced from beginningless time, and his consciousness of working for the welfare of living beings. He should encourage him not to be distressed, but to manifest the roots of virtue, to maintain the primal purity and the lack of craving, and thus always to strive to become the king of healers, who can cure all sicknesses."

and a little later in the story:

"Sickness arises from total involvement in the process of misunderstanding from beginningless time... There is no self in this body, and, except for arbitrary insistence on self, ultimately no 'I' which can be said to be sick can be apprehended... therefore... he should abandon the conception of himself as a personality and produce the conception of himself as a thing."

I love these quotes but find their viewpoints rather Olympian in the sense of being hard for me to really reach in my daily life. They also seem to rely on a self-power way of seeing through illness to deeper truths. Although the emphasis on "remembrance" in the first quote is intriguing, especially in light of conversations on this sight about other approaches to time in Buddhism than the present-momentism of much popular Buddhism today.

So what are other power approaches people are familiar with? What are the ways people have lived these kinds of transformations themselves? What are some practices that have been helpful? What takes the place of lost identity that once revolved around work, physical freedom, having a general sense of physical safety, being a caretaker rather than a care-needer? What have been the gifts people have experienced?

I appreciate peoples' thoughts, and have learned so much from others already on this site - hopefully this benefits not just me but others on here and those whom I seek to serve as a healer.

[richard meyers]

Dear Ben,

I have myself no straightforward answer to your questions. In extremis I think we just do what we can. When we are facing another person, say suffering bereavement, we are as fully attentive as we can be, we are there for them and our own issues are left at home. If this is not possible due to the degree of distress we are in then it is better not to be there at all. In terms of our own afflictions and I speak as a person beset with two life threatening illnesses. Fortunately at present, I am without distressing symptoms, but when I am sick I attempt (with some desperation at times!) to bow the heart in an 'acceptance practice' and look for ways and means by which to honour the man I sense myself to be in depth, no different from anyone else, but nonetheless still of worth. I have to say I don't always succeed in this and I have known a few tough periods.

I think Vimilakirti's "remembrance" is apposite and is about recollection, we are all in this together! It is as you say about widening ones circle of compassion. Extending this compassion to ourselves, being kind to me, 'time managing' if we can, in order to lessen our workload. One 'transformation' I have had to cope with is that of someone that felt himself to be immortal, turned in the blinking of an eye, into someone with two serious cardiac issues, liver problems, arthritus in my feet and knees. A really fit and strong individual who took great pride in his physicality has been transformed into someone that knows he is still around by the Grace of 'God' or Amida, however we name this life force, that sustains us.
Or else if none of that is true by 'Chance' alone, whatever the reason I am extremelly gratefull.

The identity we once took for granted we can no longer be blase about, but there is the possibility of deepening, for we are more than we once thought we were. There is nothing quite like a serious illness to bring us up short, but losing a job or a divorce can do it, perhaps to a lesser extent. I really think our afflictions are potentially a blessing. I've said this before and with no romantic nonsense flying in the face of peoples very real suffering. I speak only about what may be possible. The potential offered to the 'artist' in us for example. In my own case I have kept journals, wrote poetry, drawn crayola pictures, played blues guitar, hollered and occasionally roared.
Now in addition to my other prayers, I am chanting Namo Amida Bu.
With best wishes..

[Dharmavidya]

When I suffered from depression I found it very difficult to appreciate anything - sunsets did not touch me. Nonetheless, probably as a result of my spiritual training or experience, I retained always a sense that could be expressed something like this: 'although I do not know what is going on, what is going on is a natural process and nature must know what she is doing'. In this way I retained a sense of rightness even through the times when everything seemed to be wrong. Without being Olympian (lovely phrase - thank you) we can retain faith - a little candle that continues to burn at the back of one's mind that values love more than health, that remembers that Buddha smiles, and knows that 'All's well' even in the midst of terrible trouble. Of course, in passing, we can also reflect that the Olympians also seem to have had their troubles. Namo Amida Bu. Thank you so much for sharing this.

[Seiyo]

Ben:

In 2002, I developed a serious illness called Acute Endocarditis. The survival rate from this illness is around 3%. I used this as a time of reflection and it became a very joyous period in my life. I had nothing - no clothes, no car, no responsibitlies, etc. I was hospitalized for 7 weeks, had open heart surgery and was unable to return to work for 5 months. Everything was fine and it all worked out. My attitude was to just let go and just BE. What else could I do? I think often of this time and ask myself why do I now have problems and various issues? This helps me to realize to be positive and what is important in this life. Money and possessions are never part of the answer. I suggest a book by Larry Rosenberg "Living in the Light of Death". It is a book about the Five Remembrances: Illness, ageing, death, loss of everything (loved ones and possessions) and Karma.

Namo Amida Bu

Seiyo

[Ben Ross]

Hi Richard,

I appreciate your response. Your words often convey to me a sense of having grasped something I feel that keeps arising for me as a challenge, which is this desire to feel perfect and the acceptance of all the imperfection that goes into everything, including spirituality. I really like what you wrote about widening the circle of compassion to oneself - I rarely imagine it moving in this direction. Accepting the experience of grace, experiencing gratitude for what one has, being able to engage suffering with the eye and heart of the artist - thank you for reminding me of these gifts. Maybe on some level it's hard to accept these gifts because it's hard to accept the reality of illness - as if I'll pop right back to being who I was any day now. There might be a deeper self waiting, as you pointed out.

Namo Amida Bu
Ben

[Ben Ross]

Hi Dharmavidya,

Thank you for your words and for sharing your experience. It's helpful for me to hear someone whose teaching I so deeply appreciate and learn from talk about still having had struggles. I love the description of the candle of faith valuing love more than health. What a deep relief and joy to remember that there is that in existence that is always capable of love despite the conditions. Remembrance of this faith, it seems, must be the way toward realizing non-self without a focus on practices or intellectual development as the cause of transformation.

Yes it is good to remember also the struggles of the Olympians. It reminds me of Tibetan Buddhist cosmology, where to be a god is considered to provide less potential for waking up than to be a human.

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words!

Namo Amida Bu,
Ben

[Ben Ross]

Hi Seiyo,

Hearing your experience is humbling and encouraging at once. That sense of "what else can I do" that can seem so terrifying in the midst of illness turned around and became so positive in your experience - this is a great reminder of the miracles faith can bring about. It seems that for you facing death created a sudden opening to the light of being alive, and what had seemed like problems seemed small in that light. This is a wonderful remembrance for me and others I serve. Thank you for recommending that book, as well - "Living in the Light of Death" - about the Five Remembrances. Remembrance is emerging for me lately as the great guide in the midst of my own path through darkness.

Namo Amida Bu
Ben

Seiyo said:

Ben:

In 2002, I developed a serious illness called Acute Endocarditis. The survival rate from this illness is around 3%. I used this as a time of reflection and it became a very joyous period in my life. I had nothing - no clothes, no car, no responsibitlies, etc. I was hospitalized for 7 weeks, had open heart surgery and was unable to return to work for 5 months. Everything was fine and it all worked out. My attitude was to just let go and just BE. What else could I do? I think often of this time and ask myself why do I now have problems and various issues? This helps me to realize to be positive and what is important in this life. Money and possessions are never part of the answer. I suggest a book by Larry Rosenberg "Living in the Light of Death". It is a book about the Five Remembrances: Illness, ageing, death, loss of everything (loved ones and possessions) and Karma.

Namo Amida Bu

Seiyo